Those 60 minutes

It must have happened at least once with everyone when you can hear your own heartbeat. When you are drowned in a whirlpool of emotions, where you cannot point out in particular what you are feeling at that moment. I felt exactly the same in that last one hour before I was wheeled into the operation theatre when my son was born.  The turmoil going inside me cannot be described in words. I was happy and scared at the same time. Happy to welcome that little life and scared, doubting if I will be able to take care of him or her well or not.

After an exciting period of 35 weeks, I was suddenly getting paranoid. My mind kept racing back to what I had gone in last 9 months for this day. Right from painful blood tests every month to scans to innumerable hospital visits. One part of me was also remembering the fun part of pregnancy. I used to eat all that I ever wished for, went shopping for new and of course lose clothes, tiny clothes for the coming baby. I even pestered my husband go on a babymoon. We went to serene beaches of Mangalore.

One moment I was thinking about these happy times, the other moment, I was sucked by some deadly feeling wondering if my baby would be okay? There would be no anomalies. Negative thoughts surrounded me in a fraction of second. I was by myself at that time which was making things all the more difficult for me. I had read so my books on what to expect while expecting and had prepared myself in advance for this day. But trust me, nothing was working for me at that time.

When I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. The face of my mother came in front of me and suddenly a sense of tranquillity enveloped me. I tried to connect what my own mother would have felt when I was born. I, being the first child of my parents could relate to this feeling all the more. All that pure, selfless love, my mother had showered on me and my sister started sinking in me. It’s not that I never acknowledged her love earlier, but today I was seeing her actions in a different light. And then, with a light heart I opened my eyes, with a smile on my lips and peace on my face.

When a child is born, so too is a mother. These sixty minutes have given two most important life lessons to take along with my baby from the hospital. First one is that life is really unpredictable. I mean I had expected to welcome my baby at least two weeks later! It also made me realize the potential of being a woman. If we can carry and give birth to another life, we can very well mould our own. So, live your life on your terms.

Just then the nurse came and took me to the operation theatre. When I next opened my eyes, a little tiny hand was holding my finger unaware of the world around him. I also was unaware of the world around me because when I held my son in my arms for the first time, we meant the world to each other.

I would like to compliment my experience with a quote from Mother Teresa: “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love” that’s motherhood for me.